Jackie's Journey "Gripped by Fear!"

Since I mentioned in my last blog that there was “little time to fear”, I thought I should elaborate a bit…because that is not entirely true!  There is always time to choose between trust and fear!  Leaving for a foreign country is an unknown but leaving to live in the bush,  “completely off the grid” is another story!


In preparation for this missionary trek I found that “normal rights” that had become completely acceptable in my present environment were, in my new environment, challenging.  It started in Boot Camp.  Being newly married and living in a dorm and having a men’s and woman’s bathroom at the end of the hall was challenging, but that didn’t bother me.  Classes all morning and work detail in the afternoon, didn’t bother me.  The task of learning to live “almost off the grid” was demanding, but that didn’t bother me.  What did bother me was... I was pretty sure... what would be “coming down the shoot” in the next few months…!

The winters in Wisconsin are freezing cold.  While with our families over the holidays, I found out we were going to have our first baby, Christina.  Sometime after Christmas I started running a low-grade fever.  After a week or so I developed a cough.   I was young and physically strong so I kept our regular schedule.   Weeks went by and my symptoms became increasingly worse.  The fever spiked one night and I woke up laboring to breathe.  The prognosis…a serious case of pneumonia! 

Now… I did not plan on getting so sick.  I began to think about living in an inaccessible dense jungle and not having good doctors nearby.   What if the little one I was carrying needed emergency care?  What would I do?  We would be isolated... three days interior! 

Don’t we have a right to normal health and health care?

After taking the first series of anti-biotics, I was still running a fever and struggling to breathe.  I was started on another two-week regimen when the doctor commented,  “this prescription is much stronger and more invasive… it’s you or the baby…you have no choice…take it.”  Fear gripped me!  Could God protect my tiny baby?  I prayed for peace and protection for our unborn child. 

“Power and might are in your Hand, Oh God,

no one (or thing) can withstand you…IF

calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment

or plague or famine,

WE WILL stand in your presence and

WE WILL cry out to you in our distress and

YOU WILL hear us and save us.       

We have no power to face this

                                                          We do not know what to do

                                                          BUT our eyes are on YOU.”

II Chron. 20: 5-9; 12b

God-confidence is the gift He gives when we empty ourselves of “there must be something I can do!” and yield our will to God’s power!  Still learning, I am currently facing one of those moments when my will becomes subject to His. 

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or discouraged…there is a greater power with us… The battle is only the arm of the flesh, BUT with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.  Our confidence is in God.”    II Chron. 32: 7 -8

Are you ever gripped by fear?

“Whenever life’s burdens oppress you

And trials are too much to face

Remember God’s strength in your weakness;

He’ll give you HIS power and grace.”…Sper

Leaving the hospital with 1 day old Christina in Lebanon, Missouri…she arrived six months later...healthy and beautiful!

Leaving the hospital with 1 day old Christina in Lebanon, Missouri…she arrived six months later...healthy and beautiful!

~Jackie Johnson - I am a former tribal missionary to the Kuna Indians on the Colombian border in Central America.  Fluent in several languages, my husband and I currently pastor a Spanish-speaking church in Southern California.  My passion is discipling and equipping dedicated young women for life, marriage, motherhood, and beyond. I am the mother of two daughters and the grandmother of three Princesses and four young Knights. 

Posted on September 4, 2017 and filed under Motherhood, Character and Virtue, Spiritual Growth.